[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
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hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.