I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
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People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I came this close!!!!
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
reduce, reuse, recycle
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.