If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
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I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…