Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
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Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
This is me 🤣🤣
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!