Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
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My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I created you as mosquito food.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Chicken bread
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.