I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
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Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
The photographer’s assistant
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home