Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
You Might Also Like
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers