Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
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#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Oh my God.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT