neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
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not seeing the problem
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.