My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
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if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
That’s it.I’m out.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.