We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
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If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
This squirrel eats better than I do
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.