“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
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I remember when things only cost an arm.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!