Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
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I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.