*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
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So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?