What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
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Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
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