Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
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Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.