The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
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A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
These are my emotional support Pringles.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.