My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
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This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
And then there were 4
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.