Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
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Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I was bored.