I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
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I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then