[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
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Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!