I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
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I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
This raises questions
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME