Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
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*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?