[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
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(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏