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[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.