Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
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May you never lose your sense of wonder.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]