(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
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“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
I put the mess in domestic.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.