This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
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If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?