Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
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I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
I self medicate, therefore you live.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?