Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
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Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
When you’re Kinky but poor
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.