Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
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Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about