I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
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if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
mentally somewhere in italy
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.