Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
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Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.