My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
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I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.