The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
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My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Bring back the McRib
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.