I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
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Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals