*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
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Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
If only.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
house sitting!
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
just left a huge legacy in there
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you