For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
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its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough