*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
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I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.