Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
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ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
just left a huge legacy in there
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now