Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
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This dude got his own movie?
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
WHO DID THIS?
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
dude it’s called proctologist
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.