Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
You Might Also Like
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
A great tip. #CakeRex
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Love this one 😂🧟
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order