Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
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Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
I have never related to a cat more
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
My Guy
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life