recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
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him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
I need to get some bricks…
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza