Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
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me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.