I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
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“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ