Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
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I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
me, too, girl. me, too.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
I was bored.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.