Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
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[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.