Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
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My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Hard not to take this personally
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
“TGIM!” – My liver
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
If you know, you know
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.