Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
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Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
The answer is funnier than the question
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*